Malisha
Topic: Why are woman important to David
Thesis (last sentence): In the Chrysalids (capitilize 't', it is part of the title), there are three women who play great roles to David, because none of them believe in deviations, or the ways (rules)of Wanuk. And start to change David to see (past the minds of what others in Waknuk people (people is redudant, they are already acknowledged with 'others') see )same things as them. Good idea, but thesis needs rewording)
In The Chrysalids, there are three women who play great roles to David, because none of them believe in deviations, the rules of Waknuk, and start to change David to see past the minds of the Waknuk like they do. starting to get better, but can still be improved
In The Chrysalids, there are three women who play important roles to David, because they change David to see past the minds of the people in Waknuk
3. Brainstorming Worksheet
4. Essay Outline
5. First Draft of your Essay Group Members: Jeewon Fatima Adrian Eleanor
7. Good Copy in MLA format
Intro: In the Chrysalids (capitilize 't') men and women both play great roles towards David, however the women play a better role. (Implies that the men play a 'worse' role, would advise using a different adjective)(good sententece) Most (many) of the men in his life are really ( very) abusive, not understanding (not understanding is odd, perhaps 'misunderstanding' or a synonym), and can’t see past the strict rules of the society. (suggested 'unable to see') While as, there are quit (spelling) a lot of women in this book, and most of them play a good role to David. (Sentence doesn't seem to flow. The comma doesn't seem right with 'While as', but without the comma, you are connecting two ideas with just one comma (I believe called comma splicing). Perhaps use a different transitional phrase, e.g. 'On the contrary'), The three women which do this the strongest ( who are most effictive) (influential?) are Sophie, Aunt Harriot and Rosalind. These woman have one (one thing in common, but a list of three?) thing in comman (spelling), and that is (I would get rid of this and put a semicolon in place), none of them (would be them) believe in deviations, the (rules) ways of Waknuk. And start to change David to see (past the minds of what others in Waknuk people (people is redudant, they are already acknowledged with 'others') see )same things as them. (Remember the funnel structure of the intro paragragh in the packet. Don't start by mentioning the novel, start more generally.)
Please rewrite your intro below (do not erase your previous intro)
Are men better than women? For many years, and still to this day, men and women always get compared to one another. Some people say one sex is better than the other, and because of this, human rights are not (Avoid contractions in an essay.) equal. Many centuries have passed and yet we still have that problem today. In The Chrysalids(underline or italicize) men and women both play a great roles towards David, however women have a better influence. Many of the men in his life are very abusive, misunderstanding, and are unable to see past the strict rules of the society. While as there are quite a lot of women in this book, and most of them play a good role to David. (Needs rewriting. There's a bunch of transitional phrases you could swap and add here, but honestly, I'd rewrite the sentence and make sure it flows with the sentence before it.) The three woman have a few things in common; (My fault editing: looking at it, it should be a colon) and that is (with either a semi-colon or a colon you wouldn't need this) none of them believe in deviations, they neglect the rules of Waknuk and they start to change David to see past the minds of the people in Waknuk.
Intro Final Are men better than women? For many years, and still to this day, men and women always get compared. Some people say one gender is better than the other, and because of this, human rights are not equal. Still to this day we have that problem and we can't resolve it. InThe Chrysalidsmen and women both play important roles to the main character David; however women have a better influence. Many of the men in his life are very abusive, misunderstanding, and are unable to see past the strict rules of the society. Out of the many women in this novel, most of them play a better role to David than what the men do. The three women Sophie, Aunt Harriet, and Rosalind have a few things in common: none of them believe in deviations, they neglect the rules of Waknuk and they start to change David to see past the minds of the people living there.
Body # 1 Sophie acted( use became insteed of acted) as David's best friend very early(on) in The Chrysalids,and helped David get away from his family who did not care about him. Sophie and her family made him feel more welcome with them then his own family. Sophie was the first deviant with a physical difference that David had( ever) met. When David realized Sophie had a sixth toe it did not bother him and( not and but because) he did not think anything was wrong with it. David thinking that( you could say david thinking nothing of sophies mutation is ironic) is ironic considering his father is really strict about the rules of deviations, offences and religion. When Sophie got discovered of being a deviation( when sophies deviation was discovered), her and her family had to flee Waknuk because if they got caught( you dont need to say because they got caught because you already said they were discovered, you could say because of this sophie and her family had to lfee waknuk), something bad would happen. David(,) knowing he was the reason why this happened( was) upset him( no him) and he(no he) was willing to run away with them. However, it was in his best interest to stay to protect Sophie because if Joseph Strorm’s son went missing, there would a big search party. Since David cared about Sophie and would never want to threaten( endanger her life) her life he stayed behind. David thought that would be the end, and he would never see her again. But ten years later they met again and it was like they were never apart. It was a continued friendship and they resumed their relationship how they left off. However in the end Sophie died but David ended up getting through the obstacles and saving the people he cared about the most.
sorry my computer stopped letting me high light you will have to look for my corrections in the brackets!!!!!
Body #2 Although David did not get along with most of his family there was one person who changed his views on the society’s rules, and that (and this was Aunt Harriet)was Aunt Harriet. Aunt Harriet was not mentioned throughout the whole book much( there was little reference to aunt harriont in the book) , but when she was, her character came across as a strong and important person. She was one of the few people who made David begin to understand that there is nothing wrong with deviations. When Aunt Harriet gave birth to her third deviation( her thir deviational child) she knew she had to hide it from the inspector. If they realized her baby was a deviation it would get ( be taken away)taken away,( and ) her husband could leave her, and she would get sent away. When she wanted her family to help her David’s parents simply declined because they are so narrow minded( because of their narrow mindedness). This event must have been a flashback for David when he was fighting to save Sophie from harm. Aunt Harriet’s determination was something uncommon in Waknuk and that is why David will always remember her.
Body #3 The Chrysalids is a book which talks a lot about rules and restrictions. Throughout the book Rosalind was a person David could always talk to. They started off as just being cousins, but as the book progressed they began to fall in love with each other. The two of them falling in love is ironic because you can not have a relationship with a family member. If they were to be found out about they should have gotten the same punishment as deviations. This seems more of a crime then to be( being not to be) born with a slight difference from "the norm." Luckily the inspector or David's father did not find out about their relationship. Rosalind was one of the few people in the group of telepaths. She was also the one who informed David that their group was found out about and that they should flee as soon as possible. When David and his sister Petra left their house, they met up with Rosalind so they could leave for their journey. In the end with all of them working(work) together,(and ) everything worked out as they planned( everything work's out as planed). David and Rosalind showed great team work throughout the whole novel and that is a key thing to have in a relationship.
Concluding
There is no doubt that human rights will ever be equal and that discrimination will ever go away, but there are things which can be done to reduce them. The Chrysalids is a great novel which show our flaws in society and the things we would never expect to be accomplished. Some events which did that are young adults escaping a town and out braining a big group of adults and women being more influential on a person than men. Sophie, Aunt Harriet, and Rosalind influenced David for the better so he could be wise, not narrow minded and not to believe everything one says.
Body #1: Sophie Body #2: Aunt Harriot Body #3: Rosalind
UNDERLINE THESIS Peer Comments:
Person 1 - Introduction Paragraph 1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis? 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 2 - Body Paragraphs 1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters? 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 3 - Concluding Paragraph 1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary. 2. Does the conclusion have a memorable ending? 3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Malisha
Topic: Why are woman important to David
Thesis (last sentence): In the Chrysalids (capitilize 't', it is part of the title), there are three women who play great roles to David, because none of them believe in deviations, or the ways (rules)of Wanuk. And start to change David to see (past the minds of what others in Waknuk people (people is redudant, they are already acknowledged with 'others') see )same things as them. Good idea, but thesis needs rewording)
In The Chrysalids, there are three women who play great roles to David, because none of them believe in deviations, the rules of Waknuk, and start to change David to see past the minds of the Waknuk like they do. starting to get better, but can still be improved
In The Chrysalids, there are three women who play important roles to David, because they change David to see past the minds of the people in Waknuk
3. Brainstorming Worksheet
4. Essay Outline
5. First Draft of your Essay
Group Members:
Jeewon
Fatima
Adrian
Eleanor
7. Good Copy in MLA format
Intro: In the Chrysalids (capitilize 't') men and women both play great roles towards David, however the women play a better role. (Implies that the men play a 'worse' role, would advise using a different adjective) (good sententece) Most (many) of the men in his life are really ( very) abusive, not understanding (not understanding is odd, perhaps 'misunderstanding' or a synonym), and can’t see past the strict rules of the society. (suggested 'unable to see') While as, there are quit (spelling) a lot of women in this book, and most of them play a good role to David. (Sentence doesn't seem to flow. The comma doesn't seem right with 'While as', but without the comma, you are connecting two ideas with just one comma (I believe called comma splicing). Perhaps use a different transitional phrase, e.g. 'On the contrary'), The three women which do this the strongest ( who are most effictive) (influential?) are Sophie, Aunt Harriot and Rosalind. These woman have one (one thing in common, but a list of three?) thing in comman (spelling) , and that is (I would get rid of this and put a semicolon in place) , none of them (would be them) believe in deviations, the (rules) ways of Waknuk. And start to change David to see (past the minds of what others in Waknuk people (people is redudant, they are already acknowledged with 'others') see )same things as them.
(Remember the funnel structure of the intro paragragh in the packet. Don't start by mentioning the novel, start more generally.)
Please rewrite your intro below (do not erase your previous intro)
Are men better than women? For many years, and still to this day, men and women always get compared to one another. Some people say one sex is better than the other, and because of this, human rights are not (Avoid contractions in an essay.) equal. Many centuries have passed and yet we still have that problem today. In The Chrysalids (underline or italicize) men and women both play a great roles towards David, however women have a better influence. Many of the men in his life are very abusive, misunderstanding, and are unable to see past the strict rules of the society. While as there are quite a lot of women in this book, and most of them play a good role to David. (Needs rewriting. There's a bunch of transitional phrases you could swap and add here, but honestly, I'd rewrite the sentence and make sure it flows with the sentence before it.) The three woman have a few things in common; (My fault editing: looking at it, it should be a colon) and that is (with either a semi-colon or a colon you wouldn't need this) none of them believe in deviations, they neglect the rules of Waknuk and they start to change David to see past the minds of the people in Waknuk.
Intro Final
Are men better than women? For many years, and still to this day, men and women always get compared. Some people say one gender is better than the other, and because of this, human rights are not equal. Still to this day we have that problem and we can't resolve it. In The Chrysalids men and women both play important roles to the main character David; however women have a better influence. Many of the men in his life are very abusive, misunderstanding, and are unable to see past the strict rules of the society. Out of the many women in this novel, most of them play a better role to David than what the men do. The three women Sophie, Aunt Harriet, and Rosalind have a few things in common: none of them believe in deviations, they neglect the rules of Waknuk and they start to change David to see past the minds of the people living there.
Body # 1
Sophie acted( use became insteed of acted) as David's best friend very early(on) in The Chrysalids,and helped David get away from his family who did not care about him. Sophie and her family made him feel more welcome with them then his own family. Sophie was the first deviant with a physical difference that David had( ever) met. When David realized Sophie had a sixth toe it did not bother him and( not and but because) he did not think anything was wrong with it. David thinking that( you could say david thinking nothing of sophies mutation is ironic) is ironic considering his father is really strict about the rules of deviations, offences and religion. When Sophie got discovered of being a deviation( when sophies deviation was discovered), her and her family had to flee Waknuk because if they got caught( you dont need to say because they got caught because you already said they were discovered, you could say because of this sophie and her family had to lfee waknuk), something bad would happen. David(,) knowing he was the reason why this happened( was) upset him( no him) and he(no he) was willing to run away with them. However, it was in his best interest to stay to protect Sophie because if Joseph Strorm’s son went missing, there would a big search party. Since David cared about Sophie and would never want to threaten( endanger her life) her life he stayed behind. David thought that would be the end, and he would never see her again. But ten years later they met again and it was like they were never apart. It was a continued friendship and they resumed their relationship how they left off. However in the end Sophie died but David ended up getting through the obstacles and saving the people he cared about the most.
sorry my computer stopped letting me high light you will have to look for my corrections in the brackets!!!!!
Body #2
Although David did not get along with most of his family there was one person who changed his views on the society’s rules, and that (and this was Aunt Harriet)was Aunt Harriet. Aunt Harriet was not mentioned throughout the whole book much( there was little reference to aunt harriont in the book) , but when she was, her character came across as a strong and important person. She was one of the few people who made David begin to understand that there is nothing wrong with deviations. When Aunt Harriet gave birth to her third deviation( her thir deviational child) she knew she had to hide it from the inspector. If they realized her baby was a deviation it would get ( be taken away)taken away,( and ) her husband could leave her, and she would get sent away. When she wanted her family to help her David’s parents simply declined because they are so narrow minded( because of their narrow mindedness). This event must have been a flashback for David when he was fighting to save Sophie from harm. Aunt Harriet’s determination was something uncommon in Waknuk and that is why David will always remember her.
Body #3
The Chrysalids is a book which talks a lot about rules and restrictions. Throughout the book Rosalind was a person David could always talk to. They started off as just being cousins, but as the book progressed they began to fall in love with each other. The two of them falling in love is ironic because you can not have a relationship with a family member. If they were to be found out about they should have gotten the same punishment as deviations. This seems more of a crime then to be( being not to be) born with a slight difference from "the norm." Luckily the inspector or David's father did not find out about their relationship. Rosalind was one of the few people in the group of telepaths. She was also the one who informed David that their group was found out about and that they should flee as soon as possible. When David and his sister Petra left their house, they met up with Rosalind so they could leave for their journey. In the end with all of them working(work) together,(and ) everything worked out as they planned( everything work's out as planed). David and Rosalind showed great team work throughout the whole novel and that is a key thing to have in a relationship.
Concluding
There is no doubt that human rights will ever be equal and that discrimination will ever go away, but there are things which can be done to reduce them. The Chrysalids is a great novel which show our flaws in society and the things we would never expect to be accomplished. Some events which did that are young adults escaping a town and out braining a big group of adults and women being more influential on a person than men. Sophie, Aunt Harriet, and Rosalind influenced David for the better so he could be wise, not narrow minded and not to believe everything one says.
Body #1: Sophie
Body #2: Aunt Harriot
Body #3: Rosalind
UNDERLINE THESIS
Peer Comments:
Person 1 - Introduction Paragraph
1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis?
2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 2 - Body Paragraphs
1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters?
2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 3 - Concluding Paragraph
1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary.
2. Does the conclusion have a memorable ending?
3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?